What is a drummer doing talking about guitars, you might ask? Well, I'll talk a little about guitars I have known, but as my good friend, Gary Brooker, says, "What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?" A drummer.

Cute.

So, here you are...and you can't read any further unless you agree "Life of Brian" is the funniest movie ever made, Cream is the best band to ever exist (OK, OK, I'll give you Zepp as well), that "Stairway to Heaven" is one of the greatest rock tracks ever recorded, that Paul Rogers has the best rock voice of all time with Gary Brooker right in there (he'll kill me for not putting him first), that the live version of Joe Cocker's "With A Little Help From My Friends" that appears on a compilation CD of his (that doesn't say where the hell it was recorded, the idiots, so I can't tell you more about it) is THE best live track EVER recorded...well, along with "Spoonful," of course, that Eric is the man---certainly my favorite guitarist, that Johnny Depp should have received an Oscar for creating one of the greatest, most original movie characters of all time in "Pirates of the Caribbean"---right in there with Bobby Newton, that...uhhh, let's see....that Clint Eastwood is king (sorry Elvis), that Kevin Klein's wonderful French thief character in "French Kiss" is his greatest role (and he's had lots, as we all know...Sophie's Choice, A Fish Called Wanda, etc), that Lawrence Kasdan is one of the great screenwriters and a fucking good director as well (The Empire Strikes Back, Indiana Jones, Silverado, French Kiss, Body Heat).......that "The Godfather" and "Casablanca" are two of the best movies ever made and so is "The Lion in Winter" and "The Man Who Would Be King," and uhhh......that powerful jet skis are fabulous, puffy nipples even more fabulous, and Ferraris just the most beautiful cars in the world.

I was just with my best mate in Orlando who just bought a new Porsche Carrera cabriolet and he invited me to take it out (with him...he said our friendship stopped right there...he wasn't going to let me loose in it on my own) for a spin, and as I wound it up through the gears, I was just leaning into fourth when he put his hand on my arm and yelled "That's ENOUGH!"...I looked at him questioningly...I still had two more gears to go. He pointed at the speedo (the rev-counter is the only round dial, right in the middle, the speedo is a little crescent shape to the left)...we were doing 125! It felt like 80. Amazing. He's a former racing driver, so I know he's wound it out full, the bastard...I would love to have done that. But we were on public (empty) roads after all. Still........

I'm going to talk a lot about movies on this site because I love film and writing for film. Here's how crazy Hollywood is: I have a good friend named David Bailie who is a classically trained actor who lives in London. He has a magnificent voice. He was hired and flown over to Hollywood and put up in a fancy hotel that cost Disney $6,000 extra per month to play a pirate with his TONGUE CUT OUT in "Pirates of the Caribbean!!!!" How fucking crazy is that? He plays "Cotton," the pirate with the parrot. Or the parrot with the Pirate. Any film stories you have, send them on in!

That'll do for starters.....now, what about food? Well, I don't know much about guitars, what can I say? I've got a Strat but I can't play the damned thing (oops, did I just commit heresy?)..it's real pretty, though: candy apple red with a maple neck. All my guitarist friends who have played it want it, so I guess it's a good one. It's a Japanese one bought back in '85 in LA new at Nadine's for $199 including molded case...not bad! As you'll see, Crash has a blog on this site as well, and I envy him rotten because he's done a guitar for Eric when I've been trying to do one for him for thirty-five years! I've even PLAYED with him on two occasions and met him on many more as we have many mutual friends, and one of my best friends is one of his best friends, but have I been able to paint a guitar for him? Ha! So, well done, Crash (you rat). On top of that, Crash does all his lovely artwork just using SPRAY CANS! I need an airbrush, sorry! I'll have to meet him one day and we can have spray paint wars. We could both come out of it looking pretty neat! I hope he wears a respirator...the fumes from those spray cans are deadly. Are you listening, Crash? RES-PI-RA-TOR...or maybe he has a spray booth, in which case, he's cool.

Right, that's one little rant out of the way....now let's see............FOOD! I can't remember why I wanted to talk about food...maybe because I'm hungry as I write this....but I think nature's most wonderful creation, foodwise, is the orange. Her most wonderful creation is, of course, women. Well, to look at and eat, anyway. I live on the stuff (oranges...but women come a close a second), and I know it has made me healthy (women AND oranges), if not wealthy and wise. I confess I've never eaten an orange off a naked woman before...hmmmm, 'might have to give that a go, whaddya think? 'Had an interesting banana once from a very saucy English lass out in a farm field once, though. She was a total delight and up for anything with a real twinkle in her eye. I love English women. Right. Just think of the natural goodies nature provides for us and the animals to eat (who don't eat each other, that is)...amazing stuff: avocados, bananas, nuts, carrots, pomegranates (who designed that?), tomatoes and potatoes, corn, apricots---I picked apricots one summer and will never eat another one again. Not what you think: when you are up a tree picking the things, there is always one that is just perfect by the time you get to it...so that's the one you eat. It's still alive and it's the best an apricot can be. After that, store-bought, dead apricots are like eating dried lizards.

Motorcycles! I love motorcycles! Please go to my website and eat your heart out over my BRAND NEW '66 Triumph Bonneville (well, it WAS mine, I sold it...but the pictures are pretty neat): http://www.olsenart.com/bonneville.html really something. It now resides as pride of the front room in a fancy house in the Berkeley hills. I received this beauty in trade from Michael Indelicato, proprietor of eguitars (http://www.eguitars.com) who not only loves vintage guitars, he loves motorcycles, too!

Women! I could write a book about women. Well, I have! If you're single, order a copy, you'll love it. See my links up at the top on the right. But I won't write about women now, though I'm sure they'll creep in there from time-to-time, those little, big-titted devils.

Oh! and OF COURSE, you MUST love Peter Sellers and his Clouseau character, or you have to go to bed right now. He creases me up. He was a drummer as well, you know! When he was de-mobbed after WWII, he and all the London musos at the time used to hang out in Archer Street in front of Doc Hunt's drum shop and wait for bandleaders and west-end music directors to come by and read out what instruments they needed that night for either a gig or a show. And if you don't like Michael Caine, then count to a hundred and give me twenty push-ups. Barry (my racing driver friend in Orlando) and I keep ourselves in stitches quoting Clouseau stuff and Python stuff and Life of Brian stuff...especially when we're a bit pissed, which we always try to be. BTW, I will use American English spelling on this site when I am in America (as I am now), but when I move to England, hopefully next spring (if the dollar doesn't totally collapse), I will use English English, capische?

I would talk about religion and politics, but I can't be bothered with all the mess that would cause (wanna bet?)....I've started my own religion with my brother-in-law...it's a religion for people who hate religion, aren't religious, are dissatisfied with their religion, or are looking for a new religion. We are the Solstitarians and we will have 100 commandments and you can pick any 10...so you can custom-make your beliefs...and of course, we are always open for suggestions. We have a very hip Mother Superior (my cousin), who is also our Oracle who speaks in tongues, and her sexy daughter who interprets whatever the hell her mother mumbles about and is our High Priestess (and you should see her, waga-waga-waga! She'll convince ANY man to join us!)...we have the domain name, Solstitarians.com but I just haven't found the time to put the site together. Maybe I need some devine inspiration. It will cost $15.95 to join. Mormons 10% extra. So, if your life is empty, or if you are a lost soul and bereft of the voice of god, brother, you can join the Solstitarians and be SAVED! Hallelujah! Saved from what, we haven't figured out yet...but give us time. The Christians have had 2,000 years and they still haven't figured it out! I say we throw all the Christians and the Muslims into an arena and let them figure THAT one out. It would make the Gladiators look like pussycats. What have the Romans ever done for us, anyway, Reg?

Basically, we Solstitarians don't believe in anything, and we believe in everything (can you just hear Inspector Clouseau in this? "I suspect everyone...and I suspect no one"). I can dig it. Oh, what the hell, let's talk about politics: Bush is a moronic creep and makes me want Nixon back, and Condoleeeeeza Rice is an outright idiot...and between them and that jackass Cheney, America will go down the drain within two years. You heard it here first.

But I'm probably speaking to the choir, right?

More later!